The days feeling so detached from the person you once were – that you don’t know how to connect them back to the same person at all.
Motherhood changed me.
She has had to change. This change has nothing to do with the love I feel for my children – that love and time for them I give with all my heart and wouldn’t go back.
This change has everything to do with me, this time in my life where I feel like I’m living in some sort of purgatory, a place that’s in between,
In between who I used to be,
Who I currently am and
Who do I want to be?
In fleeting moments I think about it, but it’s not until I have had time to myself, the weight of the things I’d been holding in come flooding out.
I catch my reflection in the mirror and really look at this woman before me… I know I am her, but I don’t recognise her now. The tears silently flow down my cheeks.
But I let myself grieve this time, the isolation, independence, I miss my body, when did I stop caring about myself?
I am tired and feeling without direction; I let it all out in all its honesty, the things no one actually wants to say out loud…
It was relieving to even admit it to myself.
Who am I now?
Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to grieve those parts of us that are gone because we are worried that it means we aren’t grateful.
But gratitude and grief can live as one.
I don’t quite recognise the woman in the mirror just yet, but I know her. She is currently processing and learning about herself again; she is evolving and figuring it out, all while giving so much of herself to raising her children.
I must give her some time, give her some grace.
After a while, I realised…
She isn’t lost at all… she’s just in a state of metamorphosis, just like a caterpillar before it becomes a butterfly – it’s somewhere in between.
It’s not going to be this way forever.
The old me hasn’t been through all the things I have now. She is stronger.
I let go of what was and am keeping focus on what is ahead.
Be kind to yourselves, mamas.
You are just evolving into something beautiful. 🦋