I cry for others, I feel a lot, sometimes it’s overwhelming, I hate seeing others hurting, but its a rare occurrence that I cry for myself.
Most of the time I withdraw and feel a sense of numbness.
Today I’m not well, feeling a little sorry for myself and am sitting listening to the big storm rolling in… I just fed Octavia and placed her down to sleep, I watched her for a moment and all of a sudden my heart hurt so badly that tears starting rolling down my face. I thought without the loss of the two babies before her, Octavia would not be here.
I had forgotten that hurt for a while, but just like that out of the blue, the band-aid had lifted.
I could not imagine life without this little human, I am so grateful for her but mind still drifted to the what if’s – its a strange thought.
I had remembered my second miscarriage in the emergency room, I was numb.
I remember laying in the maternity ward recovering after, listening to the newborn cries from the neighbouring rooms. My mind checked out. Numb.
No tears at all.
12 weeks of carrying her. I came home from the hospital feeling empty and alone. I sat on the couch leaning on Craig, I didn’t move. Then it came, I cried for what felt like whole day till my face was swollen and puffy. All the feelings, extreme anger, guilt because I had two girls already, guilt that others could have things worse than me, feeling my body had failed and feeling complete loneliness.
Then like a switch going off, I went back to the dry numbness – I didn’t cry anymore.
I felt the sadness, pain and pushed it away to a locked space inside where it sits and lets me process but I do not cry. This at times has led people to think I’m tough or that it doesn’t hurt, this is not so I just process differently.
Since then I’ve grown and learnt so much. Learnt Its ok to feel, it’s ok to cry and it’s ok not to cry because everyone reacts and copes differently.
It’s ok to be thankful for what you have and still be sad about what you have lost.
It’s ok to mourn, to remember, to speak about it & you do not need to feel guilty about any of it because life is not always a comfortable conversation or pretty picture.
And so today, as I looked at my beautiful baby girl, I shed a few tears for my babies that did not touch this Earth and that is ok too.