Motherhood – the change, evolution and grief.

Motherhood – the change, evolution and grief.

The days feeling so detached from the person you once were – that you don’t know how to connect them back to the same person at all.
Motherhood changed me.

She has had to change. This change has nothing to do with the love I feel for my children – that love and time for them I give with all my heart and wouldn’t go back.
This change has everything to do with me, this time in my life where I feel like I’m living in some sort of purgatory, a place that’s in between,

In between who I used to be,
Who I currently am and
Who do I want to be?

In fleeting moments I think about it, but it’s not until I have had time to myself, the weight of the things I’d been holding in come flooding out.

I catch my reflection in the mirror and really look at this woman before me… I know I am her, but I don’t recognise her now. The tears silently flow down my cheeks.

But I let myself grieve this time, the isolation, independence, I miss my body, when did I stop caring about myself?
I am tired and feeling without direction; I let it all out in all its honesty, the things no one actually wants to say out loud…

It was relieving to even admit it to myself.
Who am I now?

Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to grieve those parts of us that are gone because we are worried that it means we aren’t grateful.
But gratitude and grief can live as one.

I don’t quite recognise the woman in the mirror just yet, but I know her. She is currently processing and learning about herself again; she is evolving and figuring it out, all while giving so much of herself to raising her children.

I must give her some time, give her some grace.
After a while, I realised…
She isn’t lost at all… she’s just in a state of metamorphosis, just like a caterpillar before it becomes a butterfly – it’s somewhere in between.

It’s not going to be this way forever.

The old me hasn’t been through all the things I have now. She is stronger.

I let go of what was and am keeping focus on what is ahead.

Be kind to yourselves, mamas.

You are just evolving into something beautiful. 🦋

FOLLOW MY EVERY DAY HERE

The Fourth Trimester; things I discovered that nobody decided to tell me. The good, bad and funny.

The Fourth Trimester; things I discovered that nobody decided to tell me. The good, bad and funny.

Cranky Esmé and I in the first few weeks. Image @foxandwildling_photography

Tears, milk, poops and smiles have been had by both my baby Esmé and myself.

Although I’ll forever be amazed by what our bodies go through to create a life and the power of a person through the journey of motherhood, there are still some bat shit crazy times in the months following your baby birth. Some things that we have all read about and totally expect and then other things that you don’t hear about all so much!!

This is my fourth season postpartum and I’m still getting surprised, these are some of the things I’ve experienced following my babies, that nobody really told me would happen…

  • Nappies – your baby isn’t the only one that will be wearing them. No shame in it either, having worn pads before trust me these adult nappies are the way to go… build for comfort not style haha
  • Some days you will fall in love with your partner all over again and other times you will want to rip them a new one.
  • Love at first sight – is NOT always the case it can days or weeks even to grow and bond together with your baby. The love is no less.
  • Your hair will malt like a Husky in the summertime, hairballs clogging the shower drain, leaving you wondering if it will grow back or there will be hell toupee.
  • Waking up WET… not in a good way either, whether it be night sweats, baby vomit or lying in a pool of your own breast milk.
  • Baby wipes – where have they been all our lives?! The all-purpose wet cloth for butts, quick all over body cleanse, sticky fingers, cleaning tables and dusting everything.
  • Your body may become a bit of a stranger to you, someone you don’t recognize in the mirror just quite yet, it might take time to learn to love it and that’s ok – at times you also look at it in complete awe of what it has done. 
  • You will think about poo ALOT – yes, your babies BUT the first one primarily being your own.
  • Sex – with hormones still raging, you either can’t wait to jump back at it or you are completely dead scared to let anything near your vagina.
  • The nipples – darkening and increasing in size, I heard it’s so the baby can see them… Well, mine are like big pieces of Hungarian salami so if she can’t see these somethings wrong!
  • There will be days when you feeling utterly alone and isolated by your newborn bubble, days morphing into one another, longing for a little freedom.
  • There are going to be days that test you and your mental health.
  • Baby outfits with buttons – cute at first but at 3 am, 17 buttons aren’t so cute anymore.
  • Sleep when the baby sleeps advice… well when the baby finally sleeps – you will probably scroll the whole internet, shower or do the washing.
  • You will say and do stupid stuff while tired. Bring on the coffee

Trust me mamas you are never alone.

There are 100’s of beautiful moments too (like the cute little grin on E’s face)

3 months postpartum and 3 months old! Yay!

What did you discover in the fourth trimester that no-one told you about?

Did you experience any of these? Or something completely different that surprised you?
Please add to the list!

Aside

Octavia – Postpartum days, The first week

Nearly a week old and it’s gone so fast, like complete blur…

The memories of how to be a mum to a newborn again are finally coming back to me but learning so many new things as she’s her own person and my body is definitely feeling and reacting much differently compared to nearly 9 years ago when I had Scarlett!!
🍈🍈 The melons are nearly my biggest hurdle as usual they have expanded to epic proportions for me and have in turn ruled out most pretty maternity bras hahaha (I love how they are modelled mostly on smaller busts 😂)

Any great maternity bra recommendations please hit me up!! Sleep – “what dat?” Indi told me she thinks little O is nocturnal, as she is not much of a sleeper but I hoping and praying that will change in the coming weeks.

My head feels a whirlwind of emotions and I honestly haven’t had a chance to really process the world around me just yet, I’m simply in a newborn love bubble. My body is puffy and sore but at this point its actually the last thing on my mind. Its all about her, that newborn smell is like a drug and I’m taking it all in. 

I’m a bridesmaid tomorrow with my other girls as flower girls, my gorgeous friend has carefully catered for our family to be there, she is the most relaxed bride you could ever meet. So totally relaxed that even when I tried my dress on and my huge boobs were out and proud for all to see, she was like “No probs! I’ll get you a wrap or a new dress!” Bek you are the best bride ever!

Wish me luck, I know we will make it happen but I probably need to get totally prepped today just to be sure!

Also thanks to all the beautiful messages and laughs you have sent through on socials, it’s honestly so awesome and means a lot during this emotion filled week 😘
It will be baby spam over here for a while so Love me or leave me 😝❤️

Rose x

 

Top Photo – Rose Oates 

Below images – https://laluphoto.com.au/

Gorgeous moses basket fitted sheet – Tilly and Otto

I’m Here – Zilvi